95% of the time, I thoroughly enjoy pregnancy.
The other 5% is occupied by
- Sudden, painful muscle cramps when I sneeze or laugh suddenly
- Peeing three times in the space of 10 minutes
- Staring into the darkness after thrashing around in bed because I CAN'T GET COMFORTABLE
- Sobbing during Finding Nemo, certain commercials, daydreams
- Walking the streets of DTLA, pushing S jr in his stroller, itching for a fight
That last one is weird. Occasionally, I'll have this surge of what I can only assume is an amped maternal instinct since I'm often literally carrying two children and if someone even looks sideways at me I want to punch them in the eyeball.
But this is nothing new. Ever since I was a kid – mess with me, okay, whatever. Mess with my friends or family and I WILL SMITE YOU.
But back to the 95%. Two things – I know it's a lucky thing to have a relatively peaceful, comfortable pregnancy, and also, it could all change. So for now, I'm just enjoying the roundness.
This is not a small thing for me. I live in a city that's hyper body-conscious. Whenever we visit Corey's family in Ohio, or my family in the Northwest, or, frankly, anywhere else in the the country that isn't LA or NY, I'm reminded that most of the world doesn't focus on physicality even a fraction as much as we do here.
After you live here for awhile, you take this kind of self-scrutiny for granted, and I've definitely had my ups and downs with how kind I am to myself. I can honestly say that I've always appreciated my healthy body and what it does for me, but it has often been difficult not to compare myself to others, or be critical of my shape.
I'm lucky to be surrounded by people who know and love me, to have a partner who does and says things every day that make me feel beautiful, to have children who look at me with love.
Which is wonderful, because as this pregnancy has progressed, it has started to proceed me. The other day, Corey had to wait for me to move because my belly kept him from passing from our kitchen to the living space. I looked up at him like What? Why are you just standing there? And he was smiling at me and said You take up a little more space now.
And I thoroughly enjoy taking up a little more space now.